Sarah McLachlan Love

My first YouTube link in my Blog! Gotta love Sarah McLachlan. She's such an amazing singer- her voice just lingers on and on.

This is her first happy song she wrote and I really get the feel that she's happy with her life right now. Her husband must be the luckiest man in the world for her to write such a wonderful song dedicated to him!

Enjoy. I know I did

OMG... I'm getting EMO!



Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

[CHORUS]

Why great men fall

I am very intrigued by the some of the reasons that have been the cause of the fall of great men.

We know from stories whether factual or fiction, that one of men's greatest weakness is women. These women seems to have been the reason (or a great part of it) that have caused great men (and nations) to fall.

I can name quite a few of these stories off-hand. They are:

1. The story of Adam and Eve

I got this verbatim from Wiki. It says,

"In Abrahamic religion, the Fall of Man, or simply, the Fall refers to the first humans' transition from a state of innocent obedience to God, to a state of guilty disobedience to God"


2. The story of Samson and Delilah.

I don't know what made Samson love Delilah as much as he did. Of all the stories I know, this one is my all-time favorite. I will go a little into the story later on.


3. The Story of Caius Julius Caesar and his Mistress Cleopatra

Despite what was written in many historic sources, that Julius Caesar took Cleopatra as his mistress and eventually a wife (Despite Rome's law that a Roman citizen must marry another Roman woman) to further his political power, I feel that somewhere inside Caesar really did love Cleopatra in his own quiet (maybe selfish) ways


4. In recent times, there was also the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky scandal.


5. In many other stories, I'm sure that you have seen women being sent as spies into the ranks of important men as prostitutes. (This has always been a popular military espionage strategy)

Before I further elaborate my thoughts, I think that I should clarify that I am in no way trying to be stereotypical. I also advocate the notion and widespread belief of the saying:

"Behind every successful men, there is woman"

But I'll just leave that thought for another day.

I want to cover briefly the story of Samson and Delilah.

I Googled for this information

And it came to pass afterward, that he (Samson) loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah. And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him: and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver (Judges 16:4–5).

This sum amounted to a fortune. Delilah seized the opportunity. She set out to discover the secret of Samson's great strength.

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man (Judges 16:16–17).

The hair did not give Samson his strength. It was the Nazaritic vow. The hair length was the symbol of that consecration. If the hair were cut the vow would be broken, and Samson could now longer receive God's intervention.

Delilah had no intention of passing up the fortune offered her.

And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him. And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him. But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house

Just for the benefit of people who is unclear of the origins of this story. It is from the Christian Bible. Basically Samson was a child chosen by God and blessed with the gift of Superhuman strength. For all the Christian believers who think that Superman's strength existed only in the comics, think again. The Bible says:

And Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron (Judges 16:2–3).

Most people who read the Bible fail to comprehend the scope of this feat. Samson did not bother to break down the city gate. He simply ripped the entire structure from the ground and carried it away! These city gates were designed for siege warfare, so it must have weighed some tons. Commentators vary on their view as to how far Samson carried the gate. Whatever the distance, to carry it as far as he did and then to place it on a hilltop was an awesome deed.

I want to digress a little. If we are going to have a Superman/ Hercules in our lives, I don't see why it shouldn't be Samson. (I would like to see a movie featuring this superhero)

Even before this story, there have been hints on Samson's vulnerability/weakness towards women. When Samson set forth a riddle for the Philistine

And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments: But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it. And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle (Judges 14:10–14).

Who could possibly solve this riddle? The Philistines knew they could not solve it without prying the secret out of his wife.

. . . They said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire: have ye called us to take that we have? is it not so? And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee? (Judges 14:15–16).

. . . They said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire: have ye called us to take that we have? is it not so? And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee? (Judges 14:15–16).

Eventually, Samson succumbed to his wife's incessant pleadings and was eventually betrayed by her.

The below is an extract from the book "Why Great Men fall". The Author Wayde Goodall says:

"There are reasons people make bad choices, and it doesn’t happen overnight. There is an evolution — one thought, decision, or move at a time. They decided to go to the wrong place, ask the wrong question, look at illegal or immoral materials, or have a conversation with someone they knew was compromising.

The behavior began somewhere. When their lives are analyzed, there are hints, oversights, and road bumps. The thought process had been going on, but the decision wasn’t made until the opportunity presented itself. I don’t believe this kind of “life altering” failure just hits like a brick on some particular day. There is a process — sometimes it can be short lived— sometimes it works on a person"

This must have been the process of which lead to Samson's eventual death. The story follows that Delilah was the second woman to betray him in a similar manner.

Two questions begin to pop up when I think about this story:
1. Why did Samson love Delilah?
2. Did he still love her even after he was betrayed?

This time round, I tried to Yahoo! out and answer. I keywords I typed was:

"Women" "Men's Weakness"

Here is a very answer to my query from Yahoo! Answers

The question set forth by a user is "Why is women's beauty some men's weakness?"

The best answer that was voted was:

"It's all about science and human nature my friend. Men are pre-programmed to have an emotional response to physical beauty. It has been well documented and proven by science. Women do not have the same response to a good looking man and usually have a hard time understanding why we have to look. You can't beat yourself senseless over your biological programming. You have to accept it and move on. It will never stop, no matter which super model you are married to....It's the natural urge to pro-create because of their physical characteristics.

What makes a real man is the ability to recognize, admire and then leave it alone. And that part is the hardest."

I am guilty of this biased behavior. If a girl (that I have a good impression of) sincerely asks for my help in certain matters, for example in her studies, it is most likely that I would lend some assistance. On the other extreme, if a guy asks for my help on the same matter, I might think to myself "WTF. You got hands, you got legs, you have eyes, you have a brain. Go find out for yourself la. You lazy piece of shit!" Of course I realize the important of tactfulness and I might give the reply and say "I also dunno leh. How ah?" Anyway I am reminded of how Cornflake gave the examination notes I made for them away to two guys I abhor, Dan and Gene. I got mad and threw a Mok-like tantrum. On reflection, I realize how petty I was. Even though Cornflake apologized to me, I must say to her again, Sorry Cornflake! Oh yeah even though I said that I have a tendency to help females more than males, another reason is because I feel that guys should take the effort to become someone dependable. Even if we do badly after , say the examinations, than we should use our failure as a solid ground for further improvement because there will come a time when the people you love will be depending on you for answers and the decisions that you make- You will want to prepare yourself for that. I am not that "Cheehong" lah. haha. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Darwin's Law.

You may have doubt about the part where he says "Well documented and proven by science." I know I did, so I did a little more research find sources that sources that proves his point. The biological instincts that men have to protect women have existed since time immemorial. In the book "Why Men earn more" by Warren Farrel, he says,

"Men resent women who seek special protection. Nonetheless they offer it. And sometimes they compete to offer it- with the conscious or unconscious hope that it will be rewarded by her smile, her warmth, her flirtation, or sometimes, something more." Throughout this book, the Author gave many statistical proof of his findings. I suspect that Samson's love for Delilah might have to do with the beauty (physical) that she held. Samson had two weaknesses.

The first weakness was that He must not shave his hair lest because that was the source of his strength. The second weakness was his vulnerability to protect the women that he loved. He wanted to protect the heart of the woman he love, Delilah. If by revealing to her his first weakness, that Delilah's heart would not be protected, than was what he chose to do. But whether or not that was the right action to do, I cannot comment. Because he was eventually captured by the Philistines, he blinded and humiliated, that he eventually managed to defeat them in one of their great feast- when he was bound by chains to two of the building's supporting Pillars. I'll

Obviously, if you are a Christian Believer than the story of Samson and Delilah must be true. By faith, every other part of the bible must be true too. This means that Delilah cannot blamed entirely for Samson's death.


The bible also says:

But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience.

And God is faithful.

He will keep the temptation from being so strong that you can’t stand up against it.

When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not
give in to it

(1 Cor. 10:13;NLT, emphasis added)


I like this part of the Bible. It reinforces my believe of the need to take responsibility for the results in our lives- To live above the line. How often have we heard people after having a setback say:

"This wouldn't have happened if only. . . ."
"This was so and so's fault.".
The list goes on.

I was watching an Anime from Bandai yesterday. The show is called Gundam 00. In episode 10, Colonel Sergias was commanding 2 battle fleets in a battle against a private military organization, that uses Mobile armor called Gundam suites in their battle to end war. Eventually despite the Colonel Sergia's superior military strategies and excellent leadership abilities, his fleet was obliterated. When you watch that episode, you will realize that what happened couldn't possibly be prevented by the Colonel. The Gundam suites were much too technological advanced . Given the resources that was placed forth in the Colonel's hands it was near impossible for him to capture the suits. The Colonel after his failed mission and loss of a great number of soldiers instead said

"This is entirely my fault"

Just a second after that, the Colonel had an amazing resolve to take actions to minimize damage. If he couldn't capture a suit than he would just take a head or arm off them. This was heavily contrasted by one of the female leaders of the Gundam faction. When the Gundam fleet suffered great damage too and revealed one of their biggest Military secrets to the Colonel, their leader and some of her crew, just broke down and cried and cried.

Great men and leaders take responsibility for all the shortcomings all the people under them. They look back only to reflect their mistakes and learn from it. After Samson was captured by their Philistines, his resolve was only to destroy his enemy.

The Philistines were not aware of the significance of the hair. They did not bother to keep it trimmed, as they saw he was no further threat. "Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven" (Judges 16:22). They now chose to make public example of him. "Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand" (Judges 16:23). They placed Samson in their public arena. A huge crowd was present. Samson asked the lad who led him onto the floor to place his hands on the two pillars that supported the arena.

And Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house standeth, that I may lean upon them. Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport. And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes. And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left. And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life (Judges 16:26–30).

Picture this image. Samson in his last desperate attempt to honor God, used all his strength to bow down on his knees with his hands secured to the Pillars of the house of the Philistines, thus bringing down their entire building. It is simply picture perfect and leaves a great resounding "Wow" in my heart.

The choices we make is a reflection of a men's personality. And it is this personality that lends us away from temptation. Thus the reason why great men fall is no longer the issue, since there is no point putting the blame on women or another other matter. Everybody faces the similar temptations. What matters is whether or not we take the bait. Everybody falls down from time to time. The events that follow are truly the important ones. Are we going to succumb to circumstances or react to it? What would you do?

No title. Too lazy.

I have so much to blog about that I don't know where to start

I'm too lazy (and tired) to arrange my thoughts

Somethings that I want to talk about is

1. My Massage parlor near my place
2. Strangers are really strange
3. My trip today with my friends
- The Skank
- The lady in the beautiful dress
- The super lady who could walk with a broken high heel as though the broken heel did not exist (She walked into the Istana BTW.)
4. Some emo shit

Guess I'll just leave it for another day. . . It'll probably be a long post again

Something that made me laugh today

I was supposed to meet my friends at 3pm at taka today
at 1.45 I decided to double confirm and I MSNed Ivan

Mok: Gogo?
Ivan: Stick Together Team
Mok: Roger that. Over

I reached Taka at 3pm sharp and found Ah Wu.
Mok: Where's Ivan?
Ah Wu: I just called him. He's at Chua Chu Kang.
Mok: WTFBBQ?!?

In case you don't get the joke, my conversation with Ivan was some Counterstrike game hot key. Basically when we played counter strike, the guy who charges into the action scene 1st dies. So Ivan equivalently asked us to "charge ahead first" while he camp behind the steal frags. Some much "Stick together Team?" huh?

Pwned.

Something Random

O and something random for you. Girls in office wear look really cute. Can't wait to start my career. So exciting man. . When I said that, no double entendres was intended! Honest! *Cough*


Sarah Mclachlan. Love.

Here's short section from her song Drifting

You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home

Nice Stuff Huh?

Omg... You must be kidding me...

I opened my email this evening and I saw this



I was thinking ... "wow" how nice, so many messages on my fun wall from my friends...

and was anticipating savoring my little kinder bueno.. and checking to see what surprise messages they sent me

I scrolled down..

and I saw this from Joshua Koh



I took some time to read it, realized there was no mistake with it, double check and double confirmed my initial findings...

Decided to just ignore it for now and look at my other kinder surprises

Yep, i got surprised all right. Maybe a little flabbergasted when I realized that my next five fun wall posts were all the same messages. . .

Well, I do hope that my friends who bothered to send me this messages, got the answer from the initial guy who started this chain letter rubbish or from god above. Hehe


Next funwall message was from Mortimer the travelling bear. Everybody, say hi to our cute little "Spam your friends funwall" teddy bear



Next let us spare a few tears for our poor friend here



Additionally Alvin uploaded a picture of "I love pervy boy" in my superwall. Removed it immediately. He also invited me to join the group "Pervyboy." Don't know what's a pervyboy but it sounds homo IMHO. Declined it immediately. Next day, he decided to resent me his invitation and re-update my superwall with his "I love pervyboy" poster.

Gosh. I love my fun/super wall so much =D


Next thing I know that made me smile was
when this guy called Pwnzorx sent me a PM to my youtube account

Hey man.. i saw ur comment , but uhm.. well this movie is about Gold farmers , and since your not a gold farmer , u dont have to be mad about it , im sure he didnt mean the video as a racial thing.. i think it was funny tho , not making fun of gold farmers but the whole deal about it , the lyrics , the vid n' all.. Anyway im sure it wasnt made to upset non-gold farmers right?




She was replying to my comment in youtube about the WOW Video blogged earlier regarding "10 cents an hour is a lot for a chinese"

Anyway, if this person was a girl, i think i'll fall in love with her immediately =D

Doubt it though. Chances are low that a girl would call herself Pwnzorx . Right?

Anyway its really nice/sweet of this person. If i were her, i would have just ignore it =D Good to know that there are people who cares a little about strangers out there =)))

I tried to reply to Pwnzorx in my PM and I got this message

500 Internal Server Error

Sorry, something went wrong.

A team of highly trained monkeys has been dispatched to deal with this situation. Please report this incident to customer service.

I decided to get pissed. Server Error WTH? ZZZZzzz. But that youtube message just made me laugh instead

Great day today. Great dinner with the girls too. They were like gossipedia (except Kath, she was just listening and smiling =D). Had great laughs tonight. Gotta love that from time to time.

On my way home from Tiong Bahru, I was SMSing Shanice and jokingly threatening to tell Colin that we were gossiping about him. I was nearing home, just about a 5 min drive from my place and the cab driver looked at me with a straight face and said "Bedok ah?" Lol... we had been traveling for 20 mins to the west and than he asks me if I wanted to go the the Bedok. I laughed until peng. The cab driver too.

=DD

RMT good or bad? okay or wrong?

This morning I was up early at 7am in the morning

A friend sent me this link
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KH1LGdjZUKQ&feature=related

It is basically an interview with what us gamers refer to as a "Chinese Gold Farmer"

What is a Chinese gold farmer? It is a man whose professional career operates in the virtual world. He plays an Mass Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) and farms gold to sell in the real world. This trading of virtual gold for real cash also known as Real Money Trade (RMT) is a big (and growing) industry especially those from China. What these gold farmers do is that they camp at a spot where a monster spawns and kills it over and over again to get a certain loot. When they do, they sell this loot for gold and than sells this gold back to the gamers for real cash.

This obviously annoys the gaming community since they spoil the gaming experience for many by hogging on to a camp spot for 24 hours a day. Is 24 hours possible? Yes it is. Each gold farmer has a 12 hour shift and they play the game in 2 rotations a day. Very, very hardcore farming I must admit.

Anyway this violates the End User License (EUL) agreement that the players have volunteerily accepted when they signed up for the account. Most service providers of MMORPGS says that
all accounts and items belong to the service providers and buying and selling of accounts is not permitted.

I have never ever really disliked a chinese gold farmer and have actually talked to many of them before. They always like to start the day by going

"Nihao"
or "Hao a"
or "gan she me a?"

When I was playing FFxi, mixing with those people were a taboo. If anybody caught you partying or playing with them, you were either a Chinese Gold Seller too or you were a friend of a chinese gold seller which is equally as bad. I had an RMT friend, his in game name (IGN) was Roland. Really liked that fellow together with his female colleague Velma. Once we were partying and camping some monster in a temple, some guy came by and caught us partying. That troubled me since if you get blacklisted by the gaming community, its impossible for you to have a fun time playing the game anymore. Roland and Velma told me that they understand and asked me to sort of "kill them" so I could defend myself. I did and swore nasty words at them to put up an act. That actually troubled me further. Here I am with genuinely nice people who was playing the game with me during their "Off-working" hours and I'm ashame to be hanging out with them.

I loved playing with the gold farmers, and helping them out whenever they needed. The point of this post is that although the gold farmers are violating and spoiling the fun of many of us, this does not make them bad people. They are real human beings, with real blood in their veins and real feelings. If you ask me, playing the game 12 hours a day at the same spot, killing the same monster is not exactly fun or challenging.

This youtube video was a really inspiring one. Don't get me wrong, i'm not going to become a chinese gold farmer when I graduate! hehe. It's just that it frees us from our myopic view of how we think those RMT guys are the evil ones. If you think about it, we are playing games to have fun (that's optional), while many of those guys are playing because they are unable to get a job because they were too poor to get proper education because of the poverty and undesired circumstances. . .

Anybody could have been a chinese gold farmer. If those fat asses (I think of Cartman from southpark's WOW parody) were not born into an American well-to-do family and instead the circumstance and environment of a chinese gold farmer, he might have become one too. And than there are people who argue that, "Hey, they are breaking the law by not following the EUL established. Yes that is true, but so what? This does not give us the right to refer them as Chinese Gold Farmers. Like what was said in the video below, they see that as a degredory term (which as a matter of fact, it is). They see themselves and call themselves a professional gamer. Once, I asked Roland why he chose to be a gold farmer and to my surprise he got offended and told me not to call him that. But anyway to answer my question, he said he was 16 years old and he was playing the game because he couldn't find a job because of his low educational background and needed the money to support his little sister and pay for her schooling fees so she could have better career options in the future.

Doubt he would lie to me on that.

So anyways, there was this post in youtube by Arare66 and he said this:

"MOst of them are kids/teens without proper education because they are too poor.This is reality.
You think everybody has the same god damn equal fucking opportunity to survive as you do in your comfortable little world?Pathethic.

They do what they can do to survive.Period.I played with farmers in WoW before(I know a little chinese) and trust me,they want to raid,they want to PVP,they want to do all the fun stuff that others gamers want to do,but they are not allowed too."

and I felt that there is a lot of truth in this statement. I can actually feel the anger that Arare66 has considering what many other gamers have posted

The other gamers who saw the same video said stuff like
" Fkin noob chinese gold farmers"

""Give him some space"? The single most harmful thing to the economy of a videogame is a bunch of ****** called farmers. I played wow, l2 and every time i saw a bot/farmer i tried my very best to make his life miserable. Camping his body, forcing him to move, following him, killing again.. and again. Until he logged/switched char. If that ****face looses his job - all the better. Game is made for fun, bots&farmers destroy it."

The comments are even worse in another Video that another guy made
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0dkkf5NEIo0

but anyway, I got offended when they sung along in that video that 10 cents an hour is good money for a chinese. Sometimes it seems like we gamers and consumers are too spoilt for our own good. The only thing we think about is how those gold farmers are spoiling our fun and that's the only concern we have.

I posted a comment on youtube disagreeing that that video was humorous and I was told that I was lacking a sense of humor. Either that or we're lacking some sensitivity here. It seems to me that for these people, because we are virtual, we are given the right to post anything that comes to mind. Would they dare go up to the those chinese living on straw mats farming gold 12 hours a day and call them "Fking chinese gold farmers."?



I have this little fantasy that there are two places in the world.

One is heaven, and the other is Earth

Before we are born all the souls are gathered into one place and we are all brothers and sisters and friends.

We come in a pairs, and for each pair, God asks one of us randomly which family we would like to be born into:
1. A wealthy family
2. A poor family

The great thing in heaven is that there is no place for selfishness - It is a place where we do not wish to see our friends suffer and so the soul that is given a choice always chooses to be born into the poor family.

His other friend from the same pair, because of his choice gets to live a life of comfort. But as soon as they are born into the world, they forget what happened and the sacrifice his friend had made.



Than I think of how the guy born into the rich family is scorning at that poor Chinese gold farmer- " Fkin chinese gold farmers go back to farming your rice." That feels me with great anger.

It's not like we do not want to be playing the game for enjoyment purposes only.

It's not like we get to choose which family we get to be born into.

Even if we did get a choice, I want to believe in my little fantasy, that it's because our friend (our 2nd half of our pair in heaven) chose to make that sacrifice so that we could live a better life.

If we can believe in this little fantasy I just shared, than maybe it would be easier to love the people who are less fortunate than ourselves.

All I want for Christmas is a horse.

I was talking to Kath today, and she was telling me about how much she wanted to watch The Golden Compass. I've been out of touch with the movie world recently, thus I had to do a little googling to find out what the show was about. Here's the first picture I came across- A little girl riding a Polar Bear. *ROAR*


It reminded me of Chronicles of Narnia from The Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe. Ever since a Kid, the idea of riding a lion gets me excited.


The Lion VS the Giant Polar Bear *DOUBLE ROAR* m;_;m

VS

So than I realized that in many of these fantasy shows, there's always some kid riding a non-conventional animal- Like a Dragon in Aragon etc etc.

I lost my book today in the cinema. This left me with nothing to do while traveling home after watching The Kingdom. By the way, it's a really good show, except for the "matrix style" dodging of bullets. I really hate Rambo scenes! yawn. And Jennifer Garner was the rox0rz man. Back to topic. So I was bored stiff in the bus, and my brain decided to go super fantasy style tonight. I decided to come up with everything that has to deal with unconventional animal/beast riding. Dragons and unicorns are pretty common place, thus I'll be skipping those two.

From Warcraft 3:
Tiger Riding by our favorite Sexy female bow wielding elvan hero... Gotta lurve em elves!










Next, the incredible hulk riding a giant rat (Splinter from ninja turtles- unevolved).














Harold and Kuma Go to White Castle
Next- Harold and Kuma riding in ultra gay fashion on a little overgrown kitty.

Preparing for battle to White Castle!

Full throttle ahead!


The Good


Damn you Ice Queen, free my brothers this instant!

The Bad


From Lion and the Witch and the Wardrobe. Featuring the Ice Queen enslaving 3 cute little polar bears. . .

and the Ugly.



haha this is from Never Ending Story. I could never understand what creature that boy was riding. It has a dragon body, a dog face, bunny ears and eyes of a sloth. Can you beat that! What's a sloth? This is.



See? Wadida tell you. Same eyes :P

Even Killer Whales are not spared.
Featuring Free Willy!



Nor Giant Chickens for that matter.
The Chocobos from Final Fantasy!


=( Qier is sick. =( =( Supposed to meet her today. I asked her to brainstorm for me more animals, she asked for people riding penguins. . . Giant Penguins! Where can I find that. . . Sadly, I Googled for 30 minutes and found nothing. . . Couldn't disappoint my favorite Qier. . .

Because Qier taught me that photo editing is OKAY, (See below)



thats why I had a brilliant idea next. =D

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AHA!

Evil Qier torturing a baby penguin >:-(



Poor baby penguin's so tired she can hardly open her eyes.

BAD QIER! >:-(

Get well soon ok? I made this just for you ok . . Touched? Better be :)

Computers have it easy

The computer must be the greatest invention every created.

Unlike people they have the best information storing abilities.

Imagine this- if we were able to store our memory into folders, and use the search function during examination to access our memories of what we learnt. We'll never ever forget anything especially during the examination period

Imagine this- Humans attend classes and trainings to improve themselves. When the need for computers arise, all there is to it, is to install/download the software. When unable to install the software because of physical limitation, we just have to change the hardware. New 1GB ram, new processor. Viola! Always instant upgrade.

Imagine this- When humans are troubled, its usually two fold- Emotional or physical. Computers on the other hand has half the problems we face - it all boils down to physical which makes troubleshooting half as easy.

Imagine this- we have an unpleasant memory that we do not want to keep. Humans have to carry the unbearable weight of these memories. I am reminded of a quote from Milan Kundera "The struggle of Men against power is like the struggle of memory against forgetting" I interpret this as the paradox of the inability of humans to forget. The paradox is that the more you try to forget, the more it bounces back at you. The computer is able to remove any trace of memory unwanted with the delete button. And if you later have second thoughts about deleting it, you can always restore it from the recycling bin.

Imagine this- It is entirely impossible for humans to start life afresh. That is because of the links already forged with people and the threads that binds us all together. The concept of starting life afresh is a theoretical one. Computers on the other hand, is capable of reformatting.

A:/format c:/s

That's all there is to it.

Computers sure have it easy

Things about me

I have a habit of playing chess with myself when I am in a thinking mood.

My chess pieces must be in place and all facing in the right direction. I get mad when my maid rearranges my chess pieces

I believe in giving it my best or nothing at all.

Sometimes I mumble weird things like numbers in my sleep

When I play Warcraft 3 I get extremely focused. Any attempt to take my attention away will be net with hostility

I don't mind losing but only in situations when it cannot be helped

I am mobile phone illiterate

I treasure things all things that is good to me. That's why I still wear my Seiko watch although many people tell me its out of fashion.

I am always on time. When I'm late it is probably intentional

I have not used a pencil box for over a year

I write in pencil whenever possible. I once wrote answered my whole accounting examination in pencil.

Bimbos or people who speak without giving it good thought beforehand annoy me

It takes me two months to get over somebody entirely

It takes me two weeks to lose interest in a girl

Asian girls with bunned hair are my favourite :D

Helen of Troy

When I think about olden Greek legends, sometimes I am reminded of the Story of Agamemnon and how he lead Sparta and all the nations of Greece against Troy.


When Menelaus heard that Helen had eloped with her lover Paris (who was supposed to be a guest in Sparta), his heart was acrimoniously torn apart and so sought after the assistance of his older brother Agamemnon. Agamemnon was a war-mongering man who loved power and control. In fact he had been hoping to gain control of Troy but was unable to lobby support from his allies. Troy was one of the most wealthy nations around because it had access to important sea routes. When Agamemnon heard of Menelaus’s plight, he made a deal with his brother and said he would help Menelaus get Helen back and offer him Paris’s life but in promise for the riches of Troy.


Menelaus gathered all the great Kings around him and mustered an army of 10000 fleets of warships to sail to Troy. The most important characters in this story were of course Achilles and Odysseus. Achilles was the son of Peleus (a mortal), the king of Myrmidons in Troy. His mother, Thetis, was a Goddess and tried to make Achilles immortal by dipping him in the river Styx. However she forgot to wet the heel she held him by and that left him vulnerable at that spot.


Odysseus was a man of great intelligence and had a great mind of strategies of war. He was one of the supposed suitors for the hand of Helen. Because Tyndareus (Helen’s father) feared that whomever he did not choose as Helen's husband would become jealous and rage war against Sparta, Odysseus came up with a solution and convinced Tyndareus to make it mandatory that all the suitors of Helen to swear an oath to defend whomever Helen chose as husband from among the oath-takers. The suitors, including Odysseus, swore, and Helen finally chose Menelaus as her husband.


Agamemnon, however was not able to gain support from Poseidon, the God of the Sea. The winds blew in the opposite direction of Troy, which made it impossible for them to sail toward their destination. A prophet came to Agamemnon and informed Agamemnon that Poseidon would only grant him access to good winds only if Agamemnon would sacrifice his daughter Iphigeneia. Agamemnon thus tricked Iphigeneia by convincing her that she would be wedding Achilles. When Iphigeneia was dressed in her wedding gown, Agamemnon murdered her upon the altar to satisfy Poseidon. They were thus granted favorable winds to Troy.


This whole part of the story disgusts me entirely since Agamemnon in the legend loved his daughter Iphigeneia a lot. When it came to the cross road between wealth and power and family, he chose the former. What was left of his decision was a wake of destruction and tragedy. It is true that Odysseus eventually was the protagonist in the fall of Troy. He was the one who knew that there was no way to destroy the walls of Troy and leveraged on Troy’s weakness (their pride) to cause their downfall. The idea of the Trojon horse was his and he challenged to Trojans to take the Horse into their city. But what was left of the tale was the burning of the City of Troy, of death of tens of thousands of soldiers, disease and 15 years of absence from the home country. When Agamemnon finally returned to Mycenae, his home country, his wife had taken a lover and eventually murdered him for revenge of killing their beloved daughter.


I love and enjoy hearing or watching epic tales of war. One of the situations that really touches (and can make me tear) is when I see the remnants and witness the destruction caused by war. I find that a side of me that’s a little queer since I am not affected by those lovey-dovey stories where a lover dies and his counterpart mourns (That bores me a little as a matter of fact). Some examples can be seen from the shows, “The Curse of the Golden Flower”, when Jay Chou (the prince) led his soldiers into a war they couldn’t win and charged against the shield barricade of the enemy and in another show, “The Kingdom of Heaven” the scene when the Arabs tried to retake the city of Jerusalem, and suffered great casualties. (Gosh I love that show, I want that DVD!)


The most recent show was from the anime Kishin Taisen Gigantic Formula, and during a post-war scene of great battle between two machinas, when the pilot of one of the automatons came out of her cockpit and witnessed her city in ruins, she started weeping for the plight of her city. I have posted some screen shots below. That particular scene really, really touched me.



What makes these parts of the show so sad to me is when I think to myself, all this pain and suffering, for what cause? For what purpose? They say that the study of history is so that we can learn from our past mistakes. I think that even with all the academic sources and historical evidence readily available, men are unable to learn at all from the past, or rather we choose not to. As a matter of fact, men are attracted to the idea of war and the abandonment of what I call idyll. This can be seen from how we enjoy watching war firms, and engage in games like Metal Gear Solid, Call to Duty and all other games that involve the spill in massive amounts of blood. If we truly, abhor the idea of war, it would be rationale to avoid entertainment such as these. I think of SAF and how all men in our country have to enlist to serve our country. They tell us that we have a role to play in defending our country. To me, I think this is all a façade. When I was training in Tekong and doing our Basic Military Combat training, our instructors would instruct us to shout “Kill! Kill! Kill!” with every movement we made. This does not make sense to me. How does the idea of “Killing” go hand in hand with protecting our loved ones? I think this is where we lose our sense of purpose here.


Back to the story of Troy- The soldiers of Agamemnon were told that they had an obligation to defend the pride of their country and their King. They must not condone their country being made a cuckold by allowing Helen to be stolen by Troy! So this is where it all boiled down to- Thousands of soldiers fighting for one man’s honor (Menelaus) and one man’s greed (Agamemnon). This is what I mean by façade. This is what I mean having no sense of purpose. This is why scenes like those I mentioned make me sad.


Why did Helen leave her husband and 6 year old daughter behind and elope with Paris? She chose with her own free will to marry Menelaus. Was she wrong to elope with her lover? Even if she did not love Menelaus, was she wrong to abandon her daughter? These questions have been debated on since time immemorial and an answer to this have not been decided upon.


In the myth from Plato’s Symposium (an extract from The Unbearable Lightness of Being):


“People were hermaphrodites until God split them in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another. Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.


Let us suppose that such is the case, that somewhere in our world each of us has a partner who once formed part of our body. Toma’s other part is the young woman he dreamed about. The trouble is, man does not find the other part of himself. Instead he is sent a Tereza in a bulrush basket. But what happens if he nevertheless later meets the one who was meant for him, the other part of himself? Whom is he to prefer? The woman from the bulrush basket or the woman from Plato’s myth?”


Likewise, Menelaus was from the bulrush basket which was sent to Helen and Paris was the other half of Helen from Plato’s myth, which was meant for her. She chose Paris and in so doing, acted in accordance with Aphrodite’s insuperable desire, the longing for the half of herself that was lost. Even if Helen’s decision brought about a great loss and death, to me, she had a purpose that was greater than all the men who went to war for her, and that purpose was for love. Even the King of Troy, Priam concurred: “I have fought many wars in my time, some were fought for land, some for power some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest…”


And this to me makes all the difference because the purpose makes the outcome, no matter what it's grief, it's weight, it's tragedy, bearable for the people who lived in the past and for the future generations who have lived after them. We shoulder it when we are obliged to study the history of previous World Wars in our school curriculum. We shoulder it when we cry together watching historic firms in masterpieces created like "the Pianist". This is what it all boils down to which Milan Kundera very aptly describes regarding men's fundamental debacle:

The struggle of man against power, is the struggle of memory against forgetting.

Some thoughts on philandering

Milan Kundera describes it with the life of Tomas:

"What is unique about the 'I' hides itself exactly in what is unimaginable about a person. All we are able to imagine is what makes everyone like everyone else, what people have in common. The individual 'I' is what differs from the common stock, that is, what cannot be guessed at or calculated, what must be unveiled, uncovered, conquered.

Tomas who had spent the last ten years of his medical practice working exclusively with the human brain, knew that there was nothing more difficult to capture than the human 'I.' There are many more resemblances between Hitler and Einstein or Brezhnev and Solzhenitsyn than there are differences. using Numbers, we might say that there is one-millionth part dissimilarity to nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine millionths parts similarity.

Tomas was obsessed by the desire to discover and appropriate that one-millionth part; he saw it as the core of his obsession. he was not obsessed with women; he was obsessed with what in each of them is unimaginable, obsessed, in other words, with the one-millionth part that makes a woman dissimilar to others of her sex. . .

. . . We may ask, of course, why he sought that millionth part dissimilarity in sex and nowhere else. Why couldn't he find it, say, in a woman's gait or culinary caprices or artistic taste?

To be sure, the millionth part dissimilarity is present in all areas of human existence, but in all areas other than sex it is exposed and needs no one to discover it, needs no scalpel. One woman prefers cheese at the end of the meal, another loathes cauliflower, and although each may demonstrate her originality that demonstrates its own irrelevance and warns us to pay no heed, to expect nothing of value to come of it.

Only sexuality does the millionth part dissimilarity become precious, because, not accessible in public, it must be conquered. As recently as fifty years ago, this form of conquest took considerable time (weeks, even months!), and the worth of the conquered object was proportional to the time the conquest took. Even today, when conquest time has been drastically cut, sexuality seems still to be a strongbox hiding the mystery of a woman's 'I.'

So it was a desire not for pleasure (the pleasure came as an extra, a bonus) but for possession of the world (slitting open the outstretched body of the world with his scalpel) that sent him in pursuit of women."

Haruki Murakami describes in a conversation between Nagasawa and Toru:

"After you've done this 70 times, doesn't it begin to seem kind of pointless?"

"That proves you're a decent human being," he said. "Congratulations. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from sleeping with one strange woman after another. It just tires you out and makes you disgusted with yourself. It's the same for me."

"So why do you keep it up?"

"Hard to say. Hey, you know that thing Dostoevsky wrote on gambling?" It's like that. When you're surrounded by endless possibilities, one of the hardest things you can do is pass them up. See what I mean?"

"Sort of"

"Look. The sun goes down. The girls come out and drink. They wander around, looking for something. I can give them that something. It's the easiest thing in the world, like drinking water from a tap. Before you know it, I've got 'en down. It's what they expect. That's what I mean by possibility. It's all around you. How can you ignore it? You have a certain ability and the opportunity to use it: can you keep your moth shut and let it pass?"


What's the difference between the two stories you ask? Well protagonist for womanizing for the first story is because of curiosity and the reason for the second story is because of endless possibilities. The thing about endless possibilities is that it robs men of their happiness. I once spoke to Kathleen on this- that the existence of mutually exclusive choices (resources) makes it impossible for men to be truly happy since there is always an element of regret when we pick one choice over an alternative (The benefit forgone or opportunity cost).

This was before I read Milan Kundera's book in the Unbearable Lightness of Being. A short verbatim in that book says:

"We can never know what we want because, living only one life, we can neither compare it to our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."

The similarity between both story is obvious. Both themes have to do with men conquering the girl (the challenge) with their ability. I think it's like hunting. There is no satisfaction in hunting for a prey that does not run away from the hunter. Likewise this is why most men cannot treasure a girl who they do not chase after. I keep an open mind to many things but one thing I cannot condone is accepting the new age culture of cultivating couch potato men and pro active girls. It's like the rabbit walking over to the hunter and saying "Hello I'm yours for the taking. No Price to Pay!" A friend once debated against me that, men going after a girl as proof as their ability and using their pretty girlfriend as a trophy prize to show off to the people around them is not love but a open display of ego. Yeah, that I don't disagree but the thing that I find hard to separate is the issue of ego and of pride. How do you know when you have crossed the fine line separating them?

And than some guys go to the other extreme, they keep their girlfriends away from sight of familiar faces. Their justification is that they do not see the need to haolian their girlfriend to the people around them, that their girlfriend is a private matter. So now which would be a better choice? For a guy to hang his girlfriend on the wall like some prized possession or kept protected from sight like a jewel in a treasure box? I am not talking about a balance of both. I am referring explicitly to a choice between two alternatives. If most girls choose the one relating to ego as preferred choice, than you risk more in getting a womanizer boyfriend because the day that he or his friends gets bored with seeing you as trophy worth mentioning, than like most hunters, they'll have a insuperable longing to go out for another hunting expedition. Don't get me wrong, it's not that they do not love you (if that makes you feel better). It is a age long problem since medieval times. Think. Why did Samson love Delilah? Why did Helen of Sparta have so many suitors? Sure, because she was the most beautiful woman in the world, but any relationship founded on external beauty cannot last because beauty based on looks is not eternal. Thus any form of happiness you have knowing that that is exactly the type of boyfriend you have is only a fleeting dream.

The next question I pose is this: As a girl which would you prefer given that he is the love of your life and you cannot tolerate infidelity?

situation 1: Your boyfriend cheats on you, and you find out
situation 2: Your boyfriend cheats on you. You will never find out the truth.

Both situation deals with a breach of trust. I hear this line a lot from my friends, "Don't tell me the truth if it hurts. I rather live in a lie unknowingly."

A familiar quote from William Shakespear in Macbath:


"Oftentimes, to win us to our harm,
The instruments of darkness tell us truths;
Win us with honest trifles, to betray us
In deepest consequence."


I opine that from personal observation, if you do not want to be hurt at all, get yourself a really messy boyfriend- one that won't be able to clean up after himself (and he'll know it). That would keep him from temptation to cheat on you (If he cares about you at all). Really neat and tidy guys who clean up after themselves know they can get away with it. They think to themselves : as long as nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.

Ok time to get back to projects. Haha. OLAY TO ALL THE UNTIDY GUYS. If you cannot remember anything thing I have said, just remember that I am really REALLY untidy. :D

OK back from project(s). Here is another verbatim I want to talk about from that same Milan Kundera book I quoted from before.

"Men who pursue a multitude of women fit neatly into two categories. Some seek their own subjective and unchanging dream of a woman in all women. Others are prompted by a desire to possess the endless variety of the objective female world.

The obsession of the former is lyrical: what they seek in women is themselves, their ideal, and since an ideal is by definition something that can never be found, they are disappointed again and again. The disappointment that propels them from woman to woman gives their inconstancy a kind of romantic excuse, so that many sentimental women are touched by their unbridled philandering.

The obsession of the latter is epic, and women see nothing the least bit touching in it: the man projects no subjective ideal on women, and since everything interests him, nothing can disappoint him. This inability to be disappointed has something scandalous about it. The obsession of the epic womanizer strikes people as lacking in redemption (redemption by disappointment)."

The way Kundera uses these two words, "Epic" and "lyrical" to categorize womanizers is simply beautiful. There are three kinds of people in this world. A maximizer, a perfectionist and a satisficer. A maximizer is one that see and accepts only the best. They are the lyrical men that Kundera describes. The alternative to maximizing is to be a satisficer. To satisfice is to settle for something that is good enough and not worry about the possibility that there might be something better. They are the epic men in Kundera's description. The last is the perfectionist (I fall inside this category). They are similar to maximizers, that they have very high standards, except that a perfectionist have high standards that they do not expect to meet. Put another way, the perfectionists are a living contradiction. They are both dreamers and realists at the same time- They hope high, but expect less to protect themselves from disappointment.

According to Barry Schwartz, research have proven that maximizers experience less satisfaction with life, are less happy, less optimistic, and more depressed than their satificer counterparts. In other words, the lyrical men are "cursed" to be unhappy from their womanizing nature.

That is why, I believe, that the attraction that woman have for the lyrical men, is an attraction to the "curse" they carry. It is like the burden that superheroes carry (think spiderman), that they are responsible to save the world because of the superpowers (the curse or burden) bestowed upon them and it makes women believe (albeit fool-heartedly) that they can lift or share that same burden with the lyrical men. Or maybe it is because, in the women's mind, they think they can become the ideal woman in the mind of the lyrical men (an ideal within an ideal).

The epic men on the other hand, is the opposite. They carry neither curse or burden that women are allured to attempt to share nor any chance for women to occupy a special place in the epic men's heart. This makes the epic men unattractive and vulgar, although both epic and lyrical men are both philanderers by category.

Put simply, the sin is not infidelity, but is instead the lack of redemption from it.

Words can't describe how much I love this book.

The spill overs from Finance studying.

This afternoon I was prodding Kath to share with me what Shing did to win her back. Here goes:

mok says (12:54):
what shing do

mok says (12:55):
btw

kathleen says (12:55):
he came over. and we talked

kathleen says (12:55):
and i guess i shd really just give it another shot

mok says (12:55):
why?

kathleen says (12:55):
urm

kathleen says (12:56):
cause it's been three years!

kathleen says (12:56):
and he's really trying

mok says (12:56):
but 3 years is a sunk cost

kathleen says (12:56):
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

kathleen says (12:56):
MOK!

kathleen says (12:56):
ahahaha

mok says (12:56):
what

Gingy Gets Eaten

Meet Gingy's New Friend. Gingersarousrex.


mok says (03:00):
o god i hope i've got enough space in the car

kathleen says (03:00):
have

kathleen says (03:00):
or the most u sit in the boot

mok says (03:00):
DEN WHO DRIVE

kathleen says (03:00):
oooh

kathleen says (03:00):
gingy

.........

Vertigo

“Anyone whose goal is “something higher” must expect some day to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? Then why do we feel it when the observation tower come equipped with a sturdy handrail? No, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts us and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, we defend ourselves.”

This is a beautiful quote by Milan Kundera in his book “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” The word vertigo is defined as a feeling of spinning round and being unable to balance, caused by looking down from a height. Kundera extrapolates this word and creates a new meaning to it. It is thus transformed from a sense of confusion (spinning around) caused by a fear of height in the literal sense, but to a sense of confusion in the realms of the metaphysical world.

In short, Vertigo is the INSUPERABLE desire to… to fall.

It is INSUPERABLE because it is a severe problem that has no solution to it.

It is a desire (and not a good one) because it is a temptation to fall from a higher place

It is the voice of the emptiness which reminds us of how lonely we are up there alone.

It is the nostalgic lost memories of the little child inside us, desperately reminding us of how happy we were before, crying while pleading us not to leave them behind.

Why must we be expect some day to suffer from vertigo and defend ourselves from the little child in us? I describe the emptiness as a child because I think of it as something innocent and primitive. I will give you an analogy using a short story I came up with.

Let’s say that you are a soul in heaven waiting in line to decent to Earth as a new born child. Every unborn child is just an empty vessel/shell without a soul waiting to be filled up by the souls in heaven. Before you descent, an Angel comes up to you and asks you this question:

“Dear child, you have a choice to choose between two families (the empty vessel) of which one of them you will be born into a great family, a world of immeasurable wealth but at the same time of neglect, loneliness and sadness. You will be a man of great success, an important figure and will be remembered centuries after your death.

The other family will be one of constant poverty. Your family will have problems meeting basic ends meet. You will be showered infinite love from your family. You will be born retarded and live a short and insignificant life, but because of your innocence you will not know of suffering and live all your life a happy child.”

The goal of “something higher” is the first family in the story, and the vertigo (desire to fall) that we face is that of the second family (the child that we defend against).

The INSUPERABLE question is, which family would you choose?

Of Shame, humility, importance, truth, gossip and happiness

This is a short verbatim taken from Milan Kundera's book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." I will be using it to describe my feelings as I am now.

"We all need somebody to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public.

The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners.

Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark.

And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers."

Unfortunately for me, I fall under the third category, the one with the dangerous situation whereby my feeling of importance has to do with how the eyes of my loved ones see me. When their eyes closes on me, my world turns dark. I was particularly hurt today, over a couple of events. This morning, around 5am, I came to realize that this girl, lets me call her "E" to whom I regarded as a friend had been speaking malicious things about me behind my back. It came as a great shock to me, when "B" messaged me this morning, questioning me in this manner:

B says (05:25):

what have u been telling people mr mok wai mun

mok says (05:26):

wat?

B says (05:27):

about how i supposedly went to ur house one day and wanted u back?

B says (05:27):

or...

B says (05:27):

about how u rejected me tonnes of times blahblah?

Apparently, that was what "E" had been mouthing to others, other people I do not know were. And XY one of the girls E had been talking to went to B and warned B against me to which in her books, I was spreading lies about B. Truth be told, I was very shocked about the whole event. I denied the whole issue and refused to claim responsibility for any of the words she accused me of saying. This brings me back of me falling into the 3rd category described by Milan Kundera. Firstly, I am not as concerned as what strangers or people I do not care about think of me. That's the kind of person I am. But to me, although I have not been speaking to B for sometime, she is still someone dear to me. The very fact that she chose to believe the words of others before clarifying things with me, tore my heart apart. I felt like crying.

Accordingly to the girls in my group, I have not been myself the past few days. Come to think of that, I did not even realize that myself until I received an encouraging message from Mich today which says:

"pal, u seems to be quite unhappy recent;y, fionn, shanice and me are quite concern abt u... but everybody is packed with projs.. and everybody is having issues with their grps as well.. sigh... fionn n i are drowning w/o u sial... MOK!!! SAVE US!!! heard shanice said u guys tried to talk to Da silva abt changing grp but he refused to help.. sigh...anyway.. dun b 2 upset over others who dunno how to appreciate u.. they'll after everything has ended & when they look back, they'll knw ya a great team player & a great leader! cheers! Mok rocks!"

The girls with me are really sensitive to their surroundings, and I thank them for that. Shanice called me up today and prodded me to share the things that was troubling me and I did. Shanice told me that Celia asked a rhetorical question today: "How come Mok doesn't want to talk to us any more these days?"

Because one can be alone even amongst your friends, your family, your loved ones, thus I have never felt so terribly alone in my life.

I politely decline to join the girls for canteen breaks and with increasing frequency, unconsciously decide to attend afternoon classes, apart from the girls in my group. Kundera describes solitude is a sweet absence of faces. With great conviction, I redefine Kundera's definition of solitude as the sweet absence of familiar faces.

Today while having tea-break, I was sharing with Kath and Fionn some of the problems I had faced this morning, about the rumours spreading around concerning myself. Fionn despite her usual jejuneness, is actually a really good friend, and she told me that 2 other people who had been spreading things about me, were Eugene and Daniel. She claimed that Eugene and Daniel had been bad mouthing a lot of things behind my back. I don't know about the truth of what both Eugene and Daniel spread since Fionn declined to mention the things they said. Probably though, most of the things they think they know about me was from one particular source, a girl who I shall call "F" that I fell out with for various reasons which I do not wish to talk about. I'll give you one really absurd rumour they spread:

That Mok went around smelling (in a perverted sense) the hair of this girl, F.

I am flabbergasted at the thoughtlessness of the joke or rumour. Common, anyone who knows me will know that is absolutely not me, unless I'm suffering from dual personality. I let both Fionn and Kath know that I was really upset over this. In fact, I had been keeping it to myself, hence the unhappiness I was showcasing, unbeknownst even to myself. Fionn was really cool about it. She confronted Daniel and told him to stop spreading malicious gossip about me (Be it truth of lies). Fionn told me when she confronted Daniel, he got angry and scolded Fionn for letting me know about it since it was supposed to be a secret between them. Isn't this really unfair? To gossip/joke nasty things about another person and conveniently decline to take any responsibility for the words you say. It's like going into a restaurant, ordering a would-be feast for yourself and when you are served your meal, you impugn and decline in an upbraid manner from taking any orders. Than you walk away with a contemptuous smirk of a mix of acrimony, condescension, guile, subterfuge and joie de vivre euphrorism on your face. Dis-fukin-gusting.

Here's a quote by David Mitchell pertaining the seeking of truth:
"As many truths as men. Occasionally, I glimpse a truer truth, hiding in imperfect simulacrums of itself, but as I approach, it bestirs itself & moves deeper into the thorny swamp of dissent."

Likewise, the truth that I approach, the spring within the spring, bestirs itself and moves deeper into the thorny swamp of dissent because I cannot defend myself against an "invisible enemy" unless the protagonist starting these rumours to people unknown to me, comes and settle things out directly with me. You know who you are.

Since, Daniel and Eugene are from the same GM group as me, hence there is very little possible answers as to the purpose of their accusations. So it leaves me with two axioms:

1: They are trying to cause faction within my existing group (since they were bad mouthing to Fionn and Kath)

2: They are innately obtuse and childish (Despite their age) and finds joy at the expense of others

In any case, I realize how harmful words can be when used carelessly and when rumours are exaggerated and spiced up. I don't like the way people speak (that includes myself) that's why I retreat to reading books- The authors place great thought into the choice of words they use and the really good authors, are able to make the words dance as they want it to like a masterful puppeteer.

Anyway, as you probably noticed, I have made my Blog entries accessible only through invites. I really wanted to avoid this situation since, as hard as I have tried to make this Blog only accessible to the eyes of the people I love, I found out today that "E" had been giving access of my Blog to people I don't know of. It's tough. I don't want people I don't know to make judgements of me without at least knowing me- I write really personal stuff here, about my values, beliefs and feelings as a form of exercise to express myself (I'm not good at that since I bottle up a lot of my feelings). But increasingly, I find it ridiculous that on many occasions, I am becoming increasingly conscious of what I write because I do not know who is viewing it . It is unfortunate, but at least I can wholly express myself without feeling shameful that I may on occasion be writing something that may offend or upsets others (I don't intentionally do so this way).

Kundera describes shame as such:

"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours. But The Ignominy. The Humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the manner, and that humiliation is seen by everyone."

Likewise, it is shameful for me, because I have no choice in the manner in the way the rumours regarding myself spread.

Today, after school, I went to read at Kinokuniya for a few hours- I hang out at Kinokuniya whenever I feel upset/off-tangent. You may think it's silly for me to do that. In my previous post, I was writing my hypothesis about why people are attracted to sad music/stories/people etc.. It is absolutely the same as me. I find solace in reading books that display the same emotional and spiritual level as I carry and amongst the thousands of books there, there's bound to be a few books that I can relate to. One specific book I was desperately trying to find today was Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." Today, in school, I had an "Aha" that this was the very book that I needed as my Prozac for my emotional distress. Alas, Kinokuniya ran out of stock of this novel, leaving me doubly disappointed and doubly disillusioned.

I was particularly entranced by this quote in that Kundera Book; It is a good reflection of how I felt today. It goes:

"If Kerenin had been a person instead of a dog, he would surely have long since said to Tereza, 'Look, I'm sick and tired of carrying that roll in my mouth every day. Can't you come up with something different?' And therein lies the whole of man's plight. Human time does not turn in a circle; it runs ahead in a straight line. That is why man cannot be happy: happiness is the longing for repetition."

Happiness is the longing for repetition. To me, repetition and continuity are the same thing. This remind me of how Elliot Perlman in 3 dollars describes continuity/ repetition:

"How good it felt being required to turn up somewhere at a specified time to do something, albeit more mundane and less taxing than anything I had done at university, and be capable of it. To be capable of it, isn't that what everyone wants? Each day, I would say "good morning" to the same people I said it to the day before. There were "in" jokes about the standard of the coffee, the football tipping competition, or somebody's outrageous tie. Lunch was snatched hurriedly from the place next door, a little cafe where the regulars from the department joked with the proprietor and his staff, small jokes, small business, small change, but these people were immensely important to each other. It might be that none of them was aware of their importance, each to the other, and it took me a little while to realize it myself but with each "good morning" they were reminding each other, just slightly, who they were and that they were there.

Continuity in the form of running jokes (never really funny) or repeated themes (never really deep) is reassuring even to people who might not know how much they derive from it and who might even deny that they derive anything at all from it. If they who have never been without it understood its cohesive force, they might willingly pay a little more for locally made goods and ignore the prophets of neoclassical economics who consign us to isolation in our homes, forgotten by ourselves. Look out, here comes the man with the dangerous ties. Stop expressing your personality through your ties for Christ's sake. you'll get locked away. What a relief to find the mundane so rewarding."

And so, as described above, repetition, continuity and seeking refuge in the mundaneness of life are the key towards happiness. We delight ourselves from the little things that remind us who we are, that we are here and that we are all immensely, incredibly and inextricably important to each other.

Solace

I promised to let you in on some of my thoughts regarding your April 12, 2006 blog post but I was really tired last night so I put down my thoughts into words before I went to bed. . . Anyway since it is in response to the post you have made, I'm dedicating this entry to you and will keep your identity anonymous to make it a little more special. . .

As you have asked in your Blog, “Have you ever pondered why sad people always listens to sad songs?” The question you posed has left me feeling perplexed since sometime back, but I have come up with a few theories on the answer to it which I shall try to answer to the best of my ability.

You said this:

“I tried sending happy, funny, comical cartoon songs to friends when they are sad. But it doesn't make them better. They listened, they laughed a bit, and turned back to sad, melancholy songs which make them cry even harder.”

In response to this, I cannot disagree with you on this. When a person is sad emotionally, in depth, what they seek is not actually to be happy. Think about this situation: We work really, really hard for the upcoming examinations, but still we fail in our papers or do not get the grades we expect for the work we put in. We thus feel disappointed, and sad at the outcome. Have not we all faced this situation? Than we see our friend who topped the class with really good grades but the effort that he/she put in did not justify the success he received? What do we do now? I think most people will avoid that friend of ours and seek out people who fall within similar predicaments as us.

There is a scientific explanation to this. It is called the universal law of attraction which exists in human relationships. We have a tendency to attract people who are at the same emotional and spiritual level as ourselves. More simply put, like attracts like: Just as happy people attract happy people, similarly, sad people attract sad people toward them.

We’re not actively seeking for happiness at that situation, but more specifically we desire comfort, or solace. It makes sense, otherwise we would not be avoiding that happy friend of ours with really good grades. What we really want is for someone to understand the feelings we are facing, to empathize with us, even if it makes us feeling sadder than we were before and angrier at how unfair the results were.

One article I’ve read describes why people are attracted to sad things or people. It says: “Identifying with such an individual legitimatize ones own sadness and feeling of inferiority. One gains solace from all this and feels better knowing one is not alone in his unfortunate circumstances”

In another article, an interview with an Indian family who was forced to move to India during the partition it underwent, the wife said this “I was angry but when you see so many people with the same problems, you know it’s not just happening to you. It was not a personal suffering.”

So we find solace from knowing we are not suffering alone. . . and I agree with you that a sad song, a sad word, a melancholy feeling isn't that bad after all as long as it can make us feel better. Even better than better, the next time a friend of yours is feeling sad, don't even bother trying to sending a cheerful song. Rather just offer a shoulder for them to lean on, offer a listening ear and if you able to, try not to hold back the tears you have and shed some tears together with that special friend of yours because that to me, is the comfort that we all seek (even if it is unknowingly) when we face a moment of sadness- To not just to receive love and concern from the people around us, but more importantly empathy and understanding. . . :)